Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck in sand?

A. More sand.

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.

A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, "that'll be perfect for my mother-in-law's birthday," so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story," replies the man. Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner.

He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death.

The bloke then runs back to the shop... "Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "I thought you'll be back for the story". "Sod the story, where's the brass Manchester United fan?"

Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

A. The Man U bus has more pricks!

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.

"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"

"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.

"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless wanker."

Football World Stunned Switzerland 11th November 2003 : UEFA today stunned the football world by handing out a severe penalty to England international Lee Bowyer after finding him guilty of stamping on an opponent during an UEFA cup match.

Bowyer has been banned from European competition for six games and made to sign for West Ham United again. The combination of the six game ban and enforced transfer to West Ham means effectively Bowyer has been banned from European football for a minimum of FIFTEEN years.

Bowyer himself is said to be philosophical after finally been caught on CCTV stamping on a grounded opponent but does admit he is at least partly to blame as he should have phoned a team mate to come and pick him up and destroy his boots and socks like he normally does when he finds himself in these situations .

Bowyer's contract entitles him to a £1m bonus payment should West Ham gain promotion, the contract is also believed to include payments should he find Lord Lucan (£750k),prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life (£500k) or explain why the f##k they paid several million pound for Titi Camara (£250k).

Meanwhile official West Ham sources would make no comment on rumours that West Ham are to change their away strip to a white sheet with a white hood to make Bowyer feel more at home.