|
The Lone Gunmen’s Mega
Day of Moshing
Author: Thomas McNab – Date: 20th September 2001
As he let out a long sigh, he switched off the Teletubbies and grabbed
something. He said with hate, “I’ve had enough of you.” And put it in the
draw. But it didn’t fit. He had too many copies of the Teletubbies
magazine. He didn’t have enough will to get rid of it. With a sudden light
bulb he ran into his bathroom and chucked it in the bath. He wouldn’t get
it back as the bath was overrun with spiders; the Cancer-Man’s one fear,
and clowns.
_____
It was raining hard so Zoe, Tom and Gibson Praise were running. “Tag.” Zoe
said as she pushed Tom. He fell into the mud and Gibson and Zoe mocked
him. Suddenly they heard a sneeze. “What was that?’ Gibson said.
“Come on, be careful.” Zoe said tripping Tom up again. They laughed but
were unaware they were being watched by ‘Cold’. He grinned and sneezed.
_____
Byers, Langly and Frohike were settling into bed. “Langly get in your own
bed.” Frohike said. Langly apologised, laughing it off. As he got into bed
someone knocked at the door.
“Frohike get that.” Langly said.
“You get it, I’m asleep.” Frohike said.
“Byers get that.”
“No.”
“Please!’ Langly said sweetly.
“Okay.” Byers said giving up.
“Finally!’ Zoe said as Byers answered the door. She, Tom and Gibson walked
in.
“Who are you? Is that Gibson Praise?’ Byers said in confusion.
“You bet!’ Zoe said. Byers closed the door but not before a man with a
piece of cheese whispered to Byers, “Don’t eat the cheese. It’s a
defenceless yellow slice.” Byers shut the door anyway. Behind him Tom
whispered to Zoe, “I told you Gibson would get us to the front of the
line. You remembered everything else?’ Zoe Nodded.
_____
With everybody up, Zoe was finishing the story of how she and Tom had
rescued Gibson from the Pentagon. She was staring at Byers all the time.
“So Gibson, what was happening at the Pentagon?’ Gibson was just about to
speak when Zoe caught Byers’ glance.
“I can answer that. Oh you’re so intelligent and,’ Zoe grabbed Byers, “Oh,
hello Mr. Bicep!’ she flirted.
“That’s flab.” He corrected Zoe.
“So intelligent.” Seeing a chance to butt in on the conversation, Langly
said to Tom,
“Tom, you must be soaked. You can borrow some of my clothes if you want?’
Tom thanked him and followed him to his bedroom. He was about to get
undressed when he realised Langly was still in the bedroom.
“Can you leave?’ Langly laughed and left but Tom wasn’t alone. Outside,
‘Cold’ looked in. “Excuse me?’ Tom told him. He gasped and quickly ran
off.
_____
Zoe and Gibson had found places to sleep but suddenly awoke when someone
knocked at the door.
“Frohike get that.” Langly said.
“You get it, I’m asleep.” Frohike said.
“Zoe, get that.”
“No.”
“Please!’ Langly said sweetly.
“Okay.” Zoe said giving up.
“Who are you?’ Mulder said as Zoe answered the door.
“Who are you?’ Zoe asked.
“Fox Mulder,’ Zoe looked clueless. “Special Agent,’ Zoe blinked. “The
X-Files.” Zoe was still staring.
“Mulder what are you doing here?’ Byers asked.
“I came to pick up my thong.”
“Looks like were not going to get any sleep tonight.” Frohike said.
“I left it drying on the computer.” Mulder added.
“So you’re the reason it’s broken?’ Frohike asked.
“No. I think you jamming up the server with Porn sites is what broke it.”
Mulder retaliated. Byers looked at him.
“I thought they were UFO’s.” Frohike said.
_____
Everyone was up (again) and Byers thought he’d finally get a chance to
talk to Gibson.
“So what did you see at the Pentagon Gibson?’ Tom butted in, “I saw a big
room with all these subliminal videos. Did you know Gladiator is a
homosexual comedy backwards?’ Tom said.
“Yeah.” Langly said. Byers looked at him. “I heard it off a friend.”
“Toy Story,’ Zoe said peeking up behind Byers, “holds an address to a
website that lists all the swear words in the world.” Byers stared at Zoe.
“Have you grown?’ Zoe slapped Byers.
“You shouldn’t be looking down there. Especially when I don’t have my top
off.”
“I mean you seem taller.”
“That’s because I’m standing on an evil clown.” Zoe replied. The evil
clown stood and everybody screamed.
“Hello people I’m Hell-E the clown. I won’t make you smile I’ll make you
frown. I like rhododendron’s, that’s flowers to you and Byers. I’ve got my
eye on you!’ Zoe pushed Hell-E.
“Hey, he’s mine.”
“You want to fight?’ Hell-E flicked Zoe’s nose, “I think that’s alright.”
Zoe and Hell-E started fighting.
“My bet’s on Hell-E.” Tom said.
“No way, Zoe packs a punch.” Gibson replied.
“You should remember.” Tom slipped.
“What’s that supposed to mean?’ Gibson said. Scully had started to watch
the fight.
“I know who’s going to win.” She began, “If you multiply the velocity to
the weight of subject ‘A’ you’re going to clash. You’re going to have to
grab some of that kinetic static electricity and charge it to the speed of
several bi-weights and if you do that I think it’s obvious who’ll win.”
Tom and Gibson laughed. “Of Course.” They both said. They didn’t have a
clue really.
_____
“I couldn’t find my thong but my socks and shirt have dried. They were on
the VCR. And don’t worry it still works.” Mulder said.
“No it doesn’t.” Frohike said.
“You broke that too?”
“Me? You’re the one who’s always drying your wet clothes on them.”
“Excuses, excuses. Always making up excuses.”
“Why don’t you dry them at your house? You’re always there.” Scully said.
“Yeah, but I like the way they feel when they’re dried on appliances.”
Mulder hugged his shirt, “So warm!” Frohike tapped Scully on the shoulder
and asked her to come into his bedroom.
“I think I’ve found some evidence.” Frohike pulled something out of his
pocket.
“Really? What about?” Scully asked. Frohike swung a crystal back and forth
in front of Scully.
“You are feeling sleepy and are under my spell.” Scully watched the
pendulum, she was under his spell. “Now repeat after me. I want you, you
sexy love machine. Give me your ecstasy.” Scully repeated and… you know!
_____
Gibson called everyone into the room later that day, including ‘Cold’,
‘Cheesy-Man’ and ‘Cancer-Man’. ‘Cold’ whispered to Tom, “It’s all been
arranged. The Pentagon are going to pay big for him.”
Tom replied, “Excellent.”
Gibson addressed everyone, “Somebody has a guilty conscience, and I know
why. I want them to reveal themselves before I shame them. Come on, admit
it before I shame you. Reveal your dirty secret.”
“I’m Alex Kryceck.” ‘Cold’ said.
“Well we already knew that. I meant someone else.” Gibson said.
“I don’t really like flowers. I’ve got hay fever.” Hell-E said.
“Not you.” Due to Gibson’s E.S.P. everyone started to confess their
secrets.
“I’ve got no more buttons. I keep asking and asking, ‘Would you like a
button? Would You?’ But I have none.” Byers sat down, Zoe comforted him.
Mulder stood.
“No it’s me. I don’t know what FBI means.”
“I seduced Scully into having hypnotic sex with me.” Frohike said.
“Frohike didn’t seduce me. I just played along because I was bored.”
Scully sat down but stood up again, “Oh, and I’m pregnant but it’s not
yours Frohike.” The ‘Cancer-Man’ stood up.
“He means me. I stopped smoking.” ‘Cheesy-Man’ stood up,
“I’m the fourth Lone Gunman.” Byers looked shocked.
“But you were assassinated.”
“That’s what I wanted you to think but I secretly go a part on Buffy.”
“NO!” Gibson shouted.
“We’ve whittled it down. It’s obvious now.” Everyone thought and realised.
“Langly.”
Langly stood up. “I’m gay. I don’t like girls and I don’t like Rock, it’s
all an act. I’m gay.”
“Langly you didn’t have to do that. I was talking about Zoe and Tom.”
Zoe spoke, “I love you Byers. I want your children and I want us to grow
old and wrinkly together.”
Tom spoke, “And I sold Gibson to ‘Cold’. I just hate him so much.”
“NO! That’s wrong.” He jumped up and down and shouted. Things began to
float around and everybody floated off the ground.
“Look Byers. My love for you defies gravity!” Zoe said.
“Oh, shut the –” Everything fell to the ground.
“I’ll tell you since you’re all so incompetent to realise. Zoe and Tom
kidnapped me from home just so they had an excuse to visit The Lone
Gunmen. The wanted to steal,” Gibson paused, “Their Jam.”
“No. It’s not true.” Tom said.
“How could you?” Scully said. “Money fine, drugs I can take but Jam? Take
them away Mulder.”
“Byers.” Zoe Pleaded.
“Zoe! Wait, I don’t like you.” Hell-E laughed, “And I don’t like you
either.” Zoe had the last laugh. |
|
The Lone Gunmen’s
Super-Mega Day of Moshing
Author: Thomas McNab – Date: 16 July 2002
I
It was a wet, Sunday evening. The Cigarette Smoking Man sat there, a puff,
and typing. He was modifying an X-file that had been passed on to him
through a contact known only as ‘Cold’.
‘So enclosing, all evidence suggest the man is now…’ The CSM paused; the
ash on his cigarette was longer then a giraffe’s neck. The original file
said the man was dead, but The Syndicate had cloned him and now the file
had to be changed. Staring at the only thing he could, The Lone Gunmen,
his inspiration came. ‘So enclosing, all evidence suggest the man is
now…GAY.’
_____
At their secret bunker, Langly, Byers and Frohike are sat playing a game
of Scrabble. Since there friend and colleague Jimmy Bond got inadvertently
turned into a statue (they were solving a case at a steel works. Jimmy
fell in. They now use him as a doorstop) The Lone Gunmen have been short
of things to do.
‘Fifty-three points and now I’m in the lead.’ Frohike rejoiced as he
placed the tiles on the board.
‘Hold on. Please tell me what ‘Quoxaz’ means.’ Byers looked cheated. He’d
been winning before.
‘Quoxaz: A rare indigenous rock found on the surface of Pluto. Perfectly
legal, it’s even in the dictionary.’
‘Where?’ Asked Byers.
‘Between P and R!” Joked Langly.
‘Science-Uncovered.com. Look at their Glossary.’
‘I would but our service providers jammed with a load of gay pornographic
websites!’ Byers gave an inadvertent glance at Langly.
‘Again?’ Langly shot up straight in his seat, ‘Boy, some goon down at
AOL’s really messed up.’ Langly said laughing nervously.
‘Besides, if we had the internet do you really think I’d be sat here
challenging words like ‘Quoxaz’ in game of Scrabble?’ Byers said glumly.
‘No, you’d be jamming our service provider with a load of gay pornographic
websites!’ Frohike said sarcastically.
A knock at the door broke their intelligent conversation and Byers stood
up to go answer it. He passed the statue of Jimmy and paid his respects,
whilst also taking the socks that he’d put there to dry off. Agent Mulder
was at the door. He looked like he always looked. On the verge of
exploding if he didn’t reveal some new secret the government had planned.
He walked in and paused at the statue of Jimmy, and then he took off his
coat and placed it over the preserved corpse.
‘Guys I need your help. But you may not like what I’m about to ask you.’
‘Is Agent Scully with you?’ Asked Frohike rising out of his chair and
straightening his clothes.
‘No. She’s stuck back at the Bureau.’ Mulder said smirking.
‘Work? A case?’ Byers asked, hoping for anything better then Scrabble.
‘No, I mean she’s literally stuck at the bureau. Poor women’s so pregnant
now she got stuck in the lift on the way here.’
‘Is she okay?’ The Lone Gunmen asked worried.
‘She is, but I’m not so sure if Skinner’s gonna be okay. He was in the
lift at the time, stood next to Scully. She turned and got jammed in
because of him. I was at the front luckily. I should probably phone her…’
he spied the Scrabble board next to Langly and Frohike, ‘or it could
wait.’
II
‘Okay. So I come in to my office and there’s file’s everywhere. I manage
to sort them back in order and I notice one is missing.’ Mulder started.
‘Which one?’ Langly asked.
‘That’s not important. What -’
‘Well actually it might have some relevance.’ Langly said intrigued.
‘No it doesn’t.’ Mulder said.
‘Well I’d like to be the judge of that.’ Langly demanded. Mulder looked
shy.
‘What is it Mulder?’ Frohike asked.
‘The file is about Diana Fowley’s Death.’ Mulder said quietly.
‘Did she die?’ Langly asked.
‘Yes, two years ago.’ Mulder said’
‘Really? Are you sure you didn’t get it wrong?’ Langly said confused.
‘Well if we did then cremating her was a bad idea.’
‘Mulder, please continue.’ Byers said realising this could turn into a
trip down memory lane.
‘So -’
‘Two years? Was I abroad or something? Because I’m sure I’d remember if
she died ‘cos she was hot!’ Langly said still confused.
‘No the women is dead okay. D-E- Ed. Her ashes are blowing in the wind
somewhere. You wanna go check? ‘Cos we can go check…’
‘Mulder?’ Byers said.
‘What. Oh sorry.’ Mulder said taking his foot off of Frohike’s head.
‘That’s okay. I’m used to being an emotional punch-bag. It was like that
with my parents.’ Frohike said, dusting the dirt off of his head.
‘So anyway to cut to the chase I found jam on some of the papers in my
office.’ Byers knocked the Scrabble board off the table as he stood up in
shock.
‘Jam? Are you sure it wasn’t blood or something?’ Byers said praying.
‘Nope. Delicious Jam. Which means -’
‘I know what you think it means but it doesn’t. There’s other ways.’ Byers
said, pleading now.
‘Yeah but the best way is to -’
‘Don’t.’ Byers said, hushing Langly, ‘Don’t ever say their names on a full
moon.’
‘Am I missing something?’ Mulder said.
‘He had nightmares. He had to go see a hypnotist. He came up with these
illusions that if he took the right precautions they wouldn’t come back.’
‘They’re not going to come back.’ Byers said determined.
‘Face up to it.’ Frohike said grabbing Byers in the highest place he could
reach – his knee! ‘You knew this day would come. It’s time to face them,
to face her.’
‘The obsessed!’ Mulder said.
‘Say her name’ Frohike demanded.
‘I don’t have to. Look’ Byers said pointing. Mulder, Langly and Frohike
starred at the Scrabble tiles on the floor. They had spelled out ‘Zoe’.
‘No. Look over there.’ Byers pointed to the door. Mulder, Langly and
Frohike stood up in shock. In front of them was a familiar face - only she
was pregnant.
‘Scully!’ Mulder said, ‘Oh Byers you had me scared then. I thought it was
-’ Mulder froze as Scully stepped aside to reveal Zoe.
‘I’m back!’
III
‘I never meant for this to happen.’ Exclaimed Zoe.
‘Well it did and now the poor man’s been shocked into a coma.’ Frohike
said as he, Langly, Mulder, Scully and Zoe stood around Byers…
‘Hello?’ Zoe yelled.
Byers snapped out of his daydream. He hoped that if he dreamed it for long
enough he might actually go into a coma.
‘I need to lie down.’ Byers moaned.
‘Okay. Goodnight everyone, me and Byers are going to our bed.’ Zoe said.
‘Stop.’ Byers put his hand in front of Zoe, ‘this obsession must stop if
I’m gonna let you help.’ Zoe thought.
‘Okay. I’ll help. I’d never want to do anything that would harm you.’ Zoe
sat down.
‘Is it safe?’ Said a voice from Zoe’s body.
‘Oh yeah, come in.’ Zoe replied.
‘Who’s that?’ Byers asked worriedly.
‘Surly you didn’t think I’d venture into the wilderness that is Maryland
alone? It’s my protection.’ Zoe pointed to the door.
‘Hello again.’ Said Tom.
‘What are you doing here?’ Asked Zoe.
‘I’m your protection.’
‘You’re supposed to be anonymous.’
‘I was. You didn’t even have a clue it was me.’
‘You were supposed to be anonymous to them.’ Replied Zoe angrily.
‘Oh, am I bad? Can’t be helped now. We’re not scheduled to go back until
Friday. And besides they need our expertise, both of us.’
‘How do you know?’ Asked Mulder.
‘You don’t think I’d be a very good protector if I didn’t do my studies
first.’ Tom pointed at Mulder, ‘you lost an x-file that had jam on it so
you were gonna call us to help you out. Well it turned out-’ Tom paused.
He spied the scrabble tiles and started to spell out ‘CGB IS SPYING ON YOU
DONT LET ON YOU KNOW BECARFUL WHAT YOU SAY’ Tom began again.
‘He stole your file and that’s originally why we came, but whilst doing my
studies I found out what he was up to and sent clueless over to you three.
That way everyone gets what they want.’ Zoe raised her eyebrow.
‘And maybe a little more.’ She said to Byers.
‘And what do you want, jam?’ Mulder said.
‘Please, we’re over that. We just needed something to do over the
holidays.’ Tom replied.
‘I don’t know why we couldn’t have just gone to see Resident Evil.’ Said
Zoe. She looked over at Byers, ‘but I’m glad we didn’t!’
‘So what is it you plan to do?’ Asked Scully.
‘Oh you know, mosh, smoke a bit of weed, get high and listen to rock
music. What do you think we’re gonna do?’ Tom said sarcastically, ‘Step by
step, it’s late. First we’ll sleep, then we’ll research into what this
missing x-file was about-’ Langly interrupted.
‘It was about Diana Fowley’s death.’
‘Oh, she’s not dead, this is what the whole spying thing’s about. Once we
uncover why we’ll figure out what it has to do with us.’
‘You?’ Byers asked.
‘Yes. You may not be the only one with an S, P, I!’ Tom replied scanning
the room with his eyes.
IV
It was morning and Byers woke up and sighed. ‘Perhaps it was a dream’ he
thought as he lay up in his bed.
‘Hello!’ Said Zoe, who was lying next to him. Byers screamed and got out
of bed. He screamed again as he realised he was naked.
‘What did you do with my clothes?’ He Demanded.
‘Last night you told me to rip them off you.’ Zoe said getting out of bed.
She had a pyjama top on with a picture of Byers on it.
‘I did no such thing.’ Byers was using the bed cover as a shield.
‘Maybe you didn’t say it. But I know that’s what you were thinking,’ Zoe
walked around to the other side of the bed ready to leave the bedroom,
‘you’ll have to stop pretending sometime. You might as well stop now.’ As
Zoe left the bedroom Byers paused. Somehow, Zoe was right, last night he
had had a nightmare about him and Zoe. But how did she know, and was Byers
really going to give into her?
_____
‘F7’ Tom said.
‘You sunk my battleship!’ Langly replied. Byers walked into the Lone
Gunmen’s bunker, fully dressed and ready to solve this case so that Tom
and Zoe could leave.
‘Langly let the little boy do his job.’ Byers demanded. Langly paused and
dropped the battleship he was holding. Even Zoe and Frohike turned to look
at Byers, and Byers could have sworn Jimmy’s eye’s moved.
‘Uh-oh’ Zoe said.
‘What?’ Byers said.
‘What did you call me?’ Tom said quietly.
‘I-I-’ Byers stuttered.
‘Did you say little?’ Tom said.
‘Maybe-’
‘Did you say BOY?’ Tom said shouting now.
‘Well-’
‘You can get away with little. And you can call me a boy. But never ever
dare call me a little boy AGAIN!’ Tom yelled.
‘Tom.’ Zoe pointed.
‘Yes? Oh I am sorry Frohike.’ Tom said letting go of Frohike’s throat.
‘That’s quite alright.’ Frohike said coughing.
‘Now Byers. Would you like me to start working?’ Tom asked.
‘Yes thank you sir.’ Byers squeaked.
‘Now, what button do you press to log on to this computer?’
‘F7’ Byers said.
‘You sunk my battleship!’ Langly and Tom bellowed.
‘Okay. I’ll start. Whoa, naked man. Langly, I take it this is your
computer I’m using?’ Tom asked. Langly didn’t reply.
‘Oh well. I guess you won’t mind me deleting it then?’
‘Could you save it? The man is someone that I and the boys are studying
for our paper.’ Langly lied.
‘Speaking of your paper Byers. Could there perhaps be a tiny picture of me
in the next issue?’ Zoe asked battering her eyelashes. One of them fell
off. ‘Oops!’
‘I think we’ll save your photo for our Halloween issue.’ Frohike joked.
Zoe turned away from Byers and blew Frohike off his feet with a single
blow.
‘Quite little man. You’re not the editor.’
‘I’ve done it. Oh my god.’ Tom said. Everyone gathered around the
computer.
‘It turns out the file stolen was about Diana Fowley. She was cloned
into…’
V
‘A dog.’ Tom said.
‘I could have told you she was a dog already!’ Zoe said bitterly.
‘And a cow.’ Tom continued.
‘I-‘
‘Don’t even go there, Zoe. I meant she was also cloned into a cow. And
about one hundred of those virus carrying bee’s’ Tom scratched his head.
Zoe scratched Byers’ ear.
‘A little lower.’ He said. Everyone turned to look at him. ‘I mean, stop
scratching me. Um, Thomas; does it say where Diana Fowley is now?’
‘No sorry. But I’m sure she won’t be that far away.’
‘He’s right, look.’ Zoe pointed towards a bee. Langly quickly swatted it
dead. ‘No, there’ Zoe pointed to a dog. Langly quickly swatted it dead.
‘Langly. You just swatted my dog dead.’ Frohike said.
‘That wasn’t your dog; it was an evil Diana clone.’ Langly replied.
‘Not that. The cow.’ Zoe pointed to the cow standing in the bunker.
‘Can people please inform me when they plan to bring a cow into the
building.’ Byers said.
‘Silence,’ said the cow, ‘You shall all pay f-’ the cow collapsed. Langly
had swatted it dead.
‘Give me that,’ Tom took away Langly’s newspaper, ‘you could poke
someone’s eye out with that if you’re not careful.’
‘You’d better leave Byers’ eyes alone. All three of them.’ Zoe shouted at
Langly.
‘You disgust me.’ Byers walked off, and tripped over the cow.
‘Beef burgers anyone?’ Frohike gestured.
‘You can’t eat her. She was infected with evil Diana clone blood.’ Langly
warned.
‘How about we sell ‘em?’ Frohike said.
Langly looked shocked. ‘Get your beef burgers. Was that good? I should use
that.’ They walked off too.
‘This is proving harder then I thought.’ Tom said to Zoe.
‘Remember go your slowest. That gives me enough time to win over Byers.’
‘Or give him enough drugs to legally render him dead.’ Tom joked.
‘Don’t mention that to anyone. And besides, they’re sweets. You want one?’
‘Yeah sure.’ Tom ate one of Zoe’s mind control drugs. Zoe walked off.
‘Like putty in the palm of my hand. I should write that down and sell it
on
E-bay. Millions I could make. Note to self, don’t mention money making
plan to Tom…’
_____
‘…And you’ll get the job done?’
‘Of course.’ The twins said in unison.
‘Good. Go. That’ll teach them to make a fool out of me, won’t it Tinky
Winky? Yes it will! Those mean bullies won’t get away wiv it and then
togedder, we can wule once more…’
‘Can everyone pay attention to me,’ Tom said. Everyone in the office
turned to look at him. ‘I – so this is what a fish feels like. Anyway,
after much more extensive research. I found out that Diana is now living
in San Francisco with some girl named Haley Weaver-Olds. Anyway, it turns
out Haley is married to someone who lives with them but the only people
living there are Diana and her. This brought me to conclude they are a
lesbian couple.’
‘I vote we go there.’ Said Mulder.
‘Me too.’ Replied Frohike. So, everyone went to San Francisco.
VI
Two twins arrived at the Gunmen’s bunker.
‘It sounds quite. I don’t think they’re in.’ The twins entered the bunker.
They were right; it was empty.
‘Perfect.’ The girls purred.
_____
‘I’m still unsure of the plan.’ Scully chimed in as they all stood on the
porch of Diana’s house.
‘Don’t you listen? I swear that baby’s probably got lodged in your brain
somewhere.’ Zoe bitched.
‘Mulder will knock on the door.’ Tom started.
‘Diana won’t be able to resist my charm and she’ll let me in.’
‘That’s when Mulder kindly tells her about us lot.’
‘And then we ask why there are animal clones running round everywhere.’
Mulder knocked on the door and behind the bush waited the others.
‘I bet this hasn’t been your first time behind a bush. I’ve seen you in my
front yard.’ Zoe said to Byers.
‘Shush. She’ll here.’ Mulder could here someone coming. They opened the
door and…
‘Yves!’ Frohike shouted before everyone put there hands over his mouth.
‘May I help you?’ Yves asked.
‘Yes. Is Diana in?’ A loud crash was heard as the bush collapsed and
Frohike, Langley, Byers, Tom, Zoe and Scully were revealed.
‘Byers, Langley, Frohike? What on earth are you doing here?’
‘You never told us you were a lesbian.
‘I beg your pardon.’ Yves said quite shocked.
‘What he means is. Well – You didn’t tell us.’ Byers said.
‘I am not a lesbian. But if I were you three would be the last people I’d
tell.’
‘Don’t pull that one.’
‘Sorry Byers.’ Zoe said letting go.
‘Not you. Her. If you’re not a lesbian then why do you live with Diana?’
‘I don’t live with her. You’d better come in.’ Everyone walked into Yves
house.
‘Who are they?’ Yves asked pointing to Zoe and Tom.
‘Mistakes of Nature.’ Byers replied.
‘Haley Weaver-Olds. Argh, I should have got it.’ Langley cursed.
‘Yeah; what’s with that Haley?’ Tom asked.
‘It’s an anagram. Haley Weaver-Olds, Yves Adele Harlow, Lee Harvey Oswald
and etcetera.’ Langley said.
‘Etcetera isn’t an Anagram of Haley Weaver-Olds.’ Zoe said.
‘Back to the original topic. I’m hiding Diana here so the syndicate can’t
do any more tests on her.’
‘You should read the news. The Syndicate are dead.’ Mulder said.
‘Oh. Yes.’ Yves paused.
‘So…’
‘A different Syndicate: The Syndicate Juniors.’
‘Hold on. That’s a lie. You are a lesbian.’
‘Haley. Why are you ashamed to tell them?’ Diana said walking in.
‘Oh my holy god from above.’ Langley said. Diana walked in, but she wasn’t
the Diana everyone expected. She had the face of a cow, the tail of a dog
and the wings of a bee.
‘Diana. How are things?’ Mulder said.
‘Hello Mulder.’ Diana mooed
VII
‘Why did you get Scully to examine her?’ Mulder asked.
‘As you can see she isn’t well. I needed to stay with her so I told her I
was in love with her.’
‘Way to cover!’ Frohike said.
‘Where’s Jimmy?’ Yves asked.
‘Long story: Accident. Steel works. He’s a statue. Okay not a long story.’
‘Oh dear. I quite liked that boy. Never mind. After Diana I’d be happy to
go out with anyone.’ She caught the glance of Frohike. ‘Well, almost
everyone.’
Scully walked out. ‘Yves I don’t know how to say this. Well actually I do.
Diana died. It was very sudden. Due to all the cloning and stuff when I
injected her with a simple flu shot she – melted.’ It was true. Diana’s
body was all green and gooey. Everyone left her house and made there way
back to Maryland. Zoe whispered to Scully.
‘Injected her with a flu shot. That’s a good one. I like you Sully.’
‘It’s Scully and it was a matter of importance.’
‘Yeah. You just wanted Diana out of the way so you could have Mulder all
to yourself.’ The girls laughed as they got in the van.
“Well, that’s that then.” Said Tom.
“Yep, our last night here.”
“I just wish we could have done more.”
“You know you’re right. I know the perfect thing I could do. And it might
get into the good books with Byers.” Said Zoe walking off.
“Good Luck.” Tom sat there alone. All of a sudden his mobile rang…
_____
It was Zoe and Tom’s final morning at the Lone Gunman’s office. Zoe was
smiling with an unusual effervesce about her and Tom hadn’t been seen.
“Where is he?” Frohike said.
“Why?” Byers asked.
“I just wanna say goodbye from one small dude to another.”
“What did you say?” Tom said walking in.
“Er, I said, from one cool dude to another.”
“Oh. Frohike, don’t be stupid. You’re not cool.” Tom laughed.
“Well goodbye Zoe.” Scully said.
“Remember to send me a photo of your baby.”
“Oh we will.” Scully said looking at Mulder who was suddenly starting to
fade.
“Scully. Scully, they’re taking me again.” He said continuing to fade.
“Mulder. Who’s gonna deliver my baby now huh?” But Mulder had already
disappeared.
“Mulder was gonna deliver your baby?” Frohike asked.
“Well now he can’t. Hey, do you want to do it?
“Me?” Frohike asked surprised.
“Well yeah, who else am I gonna get? A nurse!” With that, Frohike and
Scully left.
“Come on then Tom.” Zoe said.
“Sorry; Can’t. I got the greatest deal last night. The Scooby gang from
Buffy want me to solve a case.”
“Well I’m not going on Buffy.” Zoe pouted.
“No Zoe, they didn’t ask for you.” Tom walked up to Zoe and put his hands
on her shoulders. “I’m afraid this is goodbye,” the two starred at each
other for a while, “Bye.” Tom said letting go and quickly fleeing to
Sunnydale. Langly followed looking very strange.
VIII
“Well bye Byers.” Zoe said. Byers had been awfully quiet but all of a
sudden he burst out,
“Zoe. Don’t go. I love you.”
“You what?” Zoe said.
“Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Oh Byers. How can I say this? You know how Langly’s been deleting his
naked men and getting rid of his tutus and generally acting like a man.”
“Yes.”
“It’s because of me. I thought I’d do something nice and try to get myself
back in the good books with you. My initial challenge was to simply have
this one night with Langly but afterwards, I was in love.” Zoe looked
dreamily.
“What?” Byers moaned.
“I mean it was just so intense that one night of dirty-“
“I don’t want to know.”
“Byers; I was gonna say ‘dirty worded Scrabble’.”
“Scrabble? That’s it?” Byers asked confused.
“What did you think? Anyway he’s waiting. He’s coming back home with me.”
“But wait, I can be like Langly. Wait, I can be a third player.” Byers
shouted.
“Byers, grow-up!” And with that Zoe left. But Byers was hot on her tail as
he fled the building and shut the door.
There was a thump, another thump and then Jimmy broke free from the steal.
“Guy’s. Guy’s I’m alive. Guy’s.”
Another thump and crash signalled the return of the twins as they fell out
of the Lone Gunmen’s cupboard, faces filled with Jam.
“Girls?” Jimmy asked.
“We’re not just girls, we’re twins. And we have Jam.” The twins purred in
unison. Jimmy’s eyebrows rose as he and the twins walked into the bedroom,
and I don’t think he was planning a tribute for the Lone Gunmen if you
know what I mean!
_____
Finished 19th November 2002 |
